I debated posting this. Here it goes...
I miss my 2 1/2 year-old. Where did my always sweet and happy girl go? I've heard many times that it's really the "terrible threes" and not the "terrible twos" and I whole heartedly agree. Kara can't figure out what she wants: she wants her blanket, no she doesn't. She wants to go potty by herself, no, no, she doesn't. She wants fruit snacks, no she wants crackers, no she wants milk, NO, NO, water! Almost everything ends up with her in tears and crying for her blanket (BLANKIEEEE!!!!) and when she has her blanket she cries for her bunny (BUNNYYYY!!! I WANT BUNNYYYY!! PURPLE BUNNNNYYYYY!!). I have considered burning both.
When you find yourself thinking it's easier to love your 3 month-old who is still kind of a fussy baby you know it's bad. Of course, I know I'm not alone. EVERY kid does this. And of course I do love Kara. But the other morning I just needed someone to listen to me vent and tell me it'll be okay. Because every day I tell myself I'll be more patient/kind/loving in how I react to Kara's ridiculousness and almost every day I fail. It's not easy to start my day out with patience when she walks into my room at 7 am crying over the iPad and how she doesn't know where it is (to watch cartoons) when it's in plain sight downstairs; she just wants me to get it for her. Or when she walks into my room at 7 am demanding that I get her dressed only to find out it's because she has peed through her pull-ups for the third day in a row (goodbye any thoughts of night training, hello size 6 diapers). She doesn't want my help and then gets mad because she does want my help. There's no winning sometimes.
It's all emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to feel validated when I get frustrated and don't react with kindness but I know that's just wrong. It doesn't matter what Kara does, I need to show love because that's what I would want. And even though she talks like she understands everything and can think logically I know she really can't. It's got to be hard and scary being a kid sometimes. When I think about that I feel really guilty about my reaction and think I'm a terrible mom. I also feel like the worst mom ever when I hold it together with Kara all day, but in the middle of the night I get frustrated with my 3 month-old because she won't go back to sleep. YES. You read that right. I get mad at my 3 month-old sometimes. Who does that? Me, apparently. I'm not proud to admit that, but I do. And I shouldn't. And I know it. She is the last person on earth who deserves that...so then I feel even more guilty. AND THEN I'm completely frustrated with my kids and myself so I don't treat my husband very well. Which then makes me feel more guilty. Oh, the layers of guilt we heap upon ourselves as mothers. It can feel immobilizing at times.
My sister gave me some good advice:
"I know it's hard and I've had several, 'I'm a terrible mother!' breakdowns. As soon as you regret something you've said/done apologize and talk about repentance and forgiveness. Don't excuse your poor response because of her bad behavior. Experiment with different ways of holding her accountable. Some will work, but then not so switch...Don't worry about messing her up. As long as they know you love them they rebound very easily. The atonement applies to parenting just as effectively as all other screw ups."
Just what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that someone else makes mistakes and feels guilty about the way they react to their kid's behavior. Somehow hearing that helps me to feel more motivated to be better. Because if someone else fails at times but still tries to do their best then I can keep trying to do my best too. I just have to keep praying, keep asking my Father for forgiveness (and asking my kids for forgiveness, too!), and keep asking to have the Holy Spirit with me so I can be that patient, loving mother I want to be. The Atonement can make me a better mother. The Atonement can heal my children's broken hearts when I say or do something to hurt them. We're all mortal and we all make mistakes. It's through the divine grace of Christ's atonement that wounds can be healed, bridges can be rebuilt, and hearts can change.
So yeah, often I make mistakes as a mother. And yes, I sometimes feel like a terrible mom. But I know my loving Father in Heaven is there saying, "I love you. Keep trying to do your best. I understand. I'm here for you. Put your heart in my hands and the atonement of your older brother will make up for all that you lack. And don't forget that I love you."
I always believed it when people would say that children are your greatest blessing and greatest trial. Now I know it. There's really no way to fully understand until you are in the thick of it yourself. It seems impossible to completely adore someone and be totally frustrated with them at the same time. But, boy, is it possible. One minute I'm thinking, "Kara is the cutest thing ever!" and the next, "Why is she such a sass!?"
So, self (and any mother reading this), when you feel like you're struggling just know that EVERY mother is too. Eat a piece of chocolate (or a lot of pieces), send a prayer up to God, then get up and be the mother you want to be. And try not to be too hard on yourself.
9 years ago
